Stop Trying to Fix Your Partner’s Feelings
Behind every dispute is a deep personal desire. When a partner can accept this, it becomes easier to make the decision to be empathetic instead of taking your partner’s complaints personal and defending yourself.
A lot of times feelings surface due to triggers. Its helps to truly know and understand your partner a avoid many conflicts. Do you know and understand your triggers and your partners triggers?
When we are triggered, all of our senses are intensified and we are reminded, consciously or subconsciously, of a previous life event. Our brains become wired to react to these triggers, usually surpassing logical, rational thought and going straight into a conditioned “fight-or-flight” response.
Instead of trying to fix or change the feelings of the person you love, focus on connecting with them. What makes something better is connection. Validating your partner’s perspective doesn’t require you to abandon your own. Empathy shows that you understand why they have those feelings and needs. When you listen for your partner’s feelings with your whole being, it becomes a lot easier to understand their perspective. Relate to the visual of a hurt partner being down in a dark hole, because I know when I am feeling sad or upset, I feel like I’m alone in a pit of pain.
A humans core needs are not negotiable. What do I need to feel happy, fulfilled and secure? Can you meet my needs? What do you need? Can I meet yours? Relationships as Dr. Gottman puts relationships require a solid friendship and foundation of trust. Communication and compromise are crucial.